I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was 16. All my friends were sexually active, had already been pregnant, had a baby, or an abortion. I was the last of my friends to have sex. It was one late night, when I got the most upsetting phone call from my best friend. We called each other cousins. 24 hours prior we were both virgins. We planned to go hang out and meet up with our boyfriends to… have sex.
A Mother’s Intuition
My Mama was like an old junkyard dog. She could smell a liar and a thief a mile away. The year was 1996 and I was a Junior in high school. My friends and I had met these random guys and had plans to go ‘kick it.’ These were not the kind of guys you take home to Mama. Anyway we were there. It was a wild night. Little did I know the one they called Ducky would later be the one to de-flower me.
Time passed and I didn’t see or hear from him for a while. Later on he called to tell me he had been shot by one of the guys who was there the night we met. I remember going to see him one day after school. I would ride the school bus to his mom’s house to just chill. Somehow, I had come to the conclusion that he would be ‘the one.’
One day my friends and I were talking about sex. Two of us had no clue of how to engage, so we just listened in speculation that when our time came, we’d be ready. Fast forwarding to the night. The night that we all planned to go hang out at the movies, hit the local under 21 dance club, and then meet up with our boyfriends… MY MAMA pulled the plug on me. We were getting ready at my house. As soon as we were dressed and ready to leave… My Mama said, “You can’t go.” I was embarrased and I was furious, but little did I know, I was saved.
Remember when I mentioned the phone call earlier in the post, yeah… Well that night I was so sad because I was supposed to do it. Have sex. Break my virginity. Because I didn’t get to go out with my friends, I was the last one. When that call came through and I heard the words, “Cousin, I’m not a virgin anymore,” I was crushed. I listened with deep concern about the process. Now, I knew what sex was, just not physically for myself. I knew the penis would enter the vagina and so on…
What I wasn’t clear on was how we got pregnant. My friend went on to tell me how she was ‘on top’ and how much she enjoyed it. I asked her did she use a condom, she said, no. Immediately I asked her where did the cum go? She replies, up inside me. I sat up in my bed like… WHAT?!?! I was smart enough to know that, that was NOT good. Anyway, I cried that night. Not because I was still a virgin, but because I felt like a separation between me and my friends had taken place.
That summer was all kinds of things. I was known for being a great dancer. I had been in competitions and battles with other local dance groups that year. Boys were on my mind, but nothing serious. I used dance to release a lot of my sexual energy. I was labeled a tease. A lesbian. And a lot of other things. I later found out that my best friend and our other friends had all gotten pregnant within weeks of each other. My best friend had gotten pregnant on her first time. I was heart broken. Not only was I still a virgin, but now I wasn’t a mom. I felt heavy and didn’t have the words to express myself.
Loosing My Virginity
Later that summer, I decided that I was gonna do it. I would NOT be a virgin when school stated back my senior year. So, I did it, with him… The one they called Ducky. It was planned out well. My mom worked nights and I took a taxi to his house to give myself to him. I didn’t tell my friends. I just did it alone. I was nervous and scared. It wasn’t comfortable. I told him that I wasn’t ready, so we stopped. We just laid and held each other. Later that summer, I tried again. This time it was not in the most romantic place. It was in the back of his Mom’s old Lincoln Town car. I was so excited that I couldn’t believe how easy it happened. I was having sex. It wasn’t what I had hoped for but, it was done and I wasn’t a virgin anymore. He was my first and LAST for a long time.
Eventually, I told my mother that I had been with a man. That I wasn’t a virgin anymore and why. I told her that I was ashamed of being the only one of my friends that hadn’t had sex. I told her that I wanted to make sure that all the things that people were saying about me weren’t true. In the process, I also wanted to know how to protect myself in the event that I decided to have sex again. I didn’t want to become pregnant like my friends. She hugged me. We cried. And the next week we had an appointment with the local Planned Parenthood to get me started on ‘the pill.’
I wanted to be honest. I did not want to sneak. We didn’t know of any other options. I was just glad that she supported me. That she was still open to protecting me the best way she knew how.
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